Holidays are pretty cool. They give us something to get excited for, you know? From Thanksgiving on is when the thrill begins–from that Thursday until January 1^st, we’re celebrating getting fat, getting together with our dysfunctional families, and getting sad because we’ve eaten too much of Gram Gram’s apple pie, we’re probably single now because of it, and we’re then reminded of it about a month later on Valentine’s Day.

I figured out why Hallmark’s cousins schedule these holidays smack dab in the middle of winter. It’s so that countless camera flashes and colorful lights distract us from the fact that it’s freezing fucking cold outside. And once January 1^st comes, that’s it. No more happy moments. Just a whole new year.

To create extra excitement, holidaymakers decided every day after January 1^st should be some bullshit national holiday.

Without these holidays, the only thing I have to be excited for in April is my mom’s birthday. But not really. Because this year, she’s turning 60. So I’ll have to put more thought into her gift, probably buy her some hair dye for her gray threads, and then remind my mom of why there’s a wrapped box in front of her.

That’s why I’m thankful for all of these national holidays. One each day guarantees zero shitty mornings, and more sleepless nights because I have National Pi Day on my mind, or National Pancake Day thoughts dripping through my drool.

April 1^st was Fun at Work Day. And April 2^nd was Walk to Work Day. So some guy somewhere was outed a carpool ride when he bubble-wrapped his friend’s car for April Fools’ Day.

April 5^th was Read a Road Map Day. It’s no wonder there were 443 road accidents in New Jersey then, since it’s been said that New Jersey drivers can’t drive. Now you want them to look down?

Today, April 10^th, is Siblings Day. So my whole newsfeed is loaded with sibling pictures. I’ve made sure to screenshot every one of them so that when someone says they hate their sibling, I can throw my phone in their face and yell, “You’re right. You do. But this is the day you pretended you didn’t.”

Grilled Cheese Day isn’t fair, considering most of us are lactose intolerant. Damn cows punished us for eating steak. I’ll take mine medium rare.

DNA Day is April 25^th. I wonder if there will be Maury marathons showcasing all of the men who jumped with jubilation off Maury’s couch when they heard, “You are not the father.”

April 26^th is Pretzel Day. Yum. I love when I have an excuse for eating burnt, salted dough on any other day that isn’t Opening Day.

At some point after Pretzel Day, I’d expect to celebrate Gym for the First Time This Year Day, but unfortunately we don’t have that holiday yet. I don’t know how many of us would celebrate that day anyway.

April 29^th is Zipper Day, assuming yours still works.

April 30^th is Honesty Day, when we admit to ourselves that after Pretzel Day, our zippers broke.